Aunts, Stylists, and Famous People

When will I learn to say no to my niece, Sharon? I keep telling her that I have my own life but she doesn't seem to get it. She used to tell me, "Auntie, you can't have a life--you're too old." But now that she's turned sixty-five, she retired that phrase.

A few days ago Sharon ran into my house with a look of panic written all over her face. I was in the middle of putting together a fall wardrobe for Betty White when she bellowed, "I need your help."

"What can I do for you, darlin'?" I asked through a mouth full of straight pens.

"My book Lady and the Sea comes out next month, so I'm in desperate need of a Stylist."

I sat her down and looked her straight in the eyes. "I've been tellin' you that for the last twenty years!"

She frowned and said, "I admit that you're right."

"Don't frown!" I yelled. "That's the worst thing you can do for a face of that age!"

Sharon suddenly smiled. "Sorry, Auntie! I promise to smile forever if you will be my Stylist."

I thought a moment. "Well, I'm almost finished with Betty's pant suit line, and I just walked out on my contract with Lady Ga-Ga."

"What? Why did you do that?" Sharon asked, still smiling.

I shrugged and answered, "She just isn't as edgy as she used to be. Now, Betty White, that's a whole different kind of woman!"

I could see that Sharon was getting restless for my reply, so I obliged. "Okay, I'll take you on, but first you have to make a promise." Sharon nodded, so I continued. "Do not...I repeat, DO NOT make any TV appearances! Your complexion is ruined, the bags under your eyes will show, the wrinkles around your mouth will----"

Sharon raised her arm. "Stop! I get the message."

"Okay, here's the plan: just stay on the radio and you'll be safe. The public wants to see aging beauty queens like Tina Turner, Cher, and Florence Henderson...get the picture?" Through slightly-yellowing teeth, she whispered Yes.

I gave explicit instructions to go home and get at least ten hours of sleep a night, extend her exercise time to four hours a day, slab a combination of Vaseline, Ponds Cold Cream, and Noxema on that face of hers, and lay off the sweet tea.

Sharon hugged me and left my house with a big smile on her face. At that moment I knew we would work well together. Lady and the Stylist ... sounds like a good book title to me!

I'll keep you posted ... bye for now!

P.S. Reminder to self: Tell Sharon to make a dentist appointment to get teeth whitened.