I was sittin' on the front porch this afternoon, sipping my sweet tea, when my niece arrived in a tizzy. Relax, Shaa-ren, and sit a spell I told her, but she wouldn't hear of it.
"Aunt Eunice, my book is going to be released in two weeks and I'm up a creek without a paddle. Would you be my publicist? Please?"
"Darlin', haven't you planned for your future?" I asked, but when her face turned chalk white, I knew the answer. "By all means, don't panic. We'll think of something. Now, let me see, I'm going to have to rearrange my schedule. I'm already Betty White's publicist, and Regis Philbin is begging me to promote his book that's coming out in November."
"And have you heard the latest?" Shaa-ren asked. "Steve Job's biography is coming out October 24th!"
"My, you chose an awful time for your book release!" was all I could say.
"Oh, Auntie, what shall I do?"
When I asked if she had done any advertising and she shook her head, I looked her straight in the eyes. "Well then, let's get down to business: do you have any friends?"
She hesitated. "A few."
I grabbed a pen and paper. "Then we'll create a contract and make everyone you know sign on the dotted line, swearing that they'll purchase at least twenty copies ... one for them, one for their mother, their daughter, their friends, their enemies ... anyone who can read. Got that?" Before she could answer, I continued, "Do you have neighbors?" Shaa-ren smiled. "Oh, yes! I talked to one just last week."
As she poured herself a glass of sweet tea, I shook my head and took the glass. "Remember, no more sweet tea. As soon as you hit the TV screen, fifteen extra pounds will appear!" But when she frowned, I handed her the glass. "Oh, never mind. We'll just keep you off TV and put you on the radio. Without botox, you're a goner in this media frenzy; they'll eat you up alive."
After an hour of brainstorming, I took hold of Shaa-ren's hands and proclaimed, "Darlin', you are going to be one big success! You will have your fifteen minutes of fame! Just keep the faith, keep your head held high, and stay away from all TV interviews!"
...to be continued ...